Don't Kill Me For No Title
by Band8PGeek
Summary: AU. School trip plus mind control equals chaos concerning two certain aqua calamari. Oneshot. Forced slash, if one knows what one means.


_**Don't Kill Me For No Title  
**__(AU) School trip plus mind control equals chaos concerning two certain aqua calamari. One-shot. Forced slash, if one knows what one means._

This is at first set in the same universe as Good Times Good Times (remember that one?), except in this universe the former hasn't actually happened yet. It's been very busy with a lot of ironsauce I'm afraid. [/Kermit) xD  
Disclaimer: Only one of the cephalopods mentioned in this story belongs to me. Guess which one and you win a cookie.

* * *

Mind-control machines. Every one different in function, every one different in shape. All of them with very one big flaw: the effectiveness of control all depends on the accuracy of the shot; which in turn depends on the direction the controller is pointed. All of the best mind-control machines (coughplanktoncough) have backfired from their original intention because the user didn't check where exactly they aimed the ray. 

The one used on the school trip to the Bikini Bottom Science Museum that day was no exception. But in this case, it backfired far more intensely than any other mind-control machine has had in the past **and** in the future. And it had far bigger repercussions than anyone could imagine.

* * *

OK, is this thing on…?  
OK, right. (ahem) 

_Hey you. You there. _

…

_Yeh, you. The one with the black hair._

…

_Yeah, I'm talking to you. Can you hear me?  
__This is your conscience speaking._

…

_No, I'm not in this room, imbecile, I'm in your –  
__Hello, earth to cephalopod? Conscience? Up in brain?_

…

_Hey, hey, hey, stop panicking here. I'm not here to predict Armageddon. If – if that's what you're thinking!  
__I'm just gonna talk to you for a few minutes and then I'll leave, OK? _

…

_Yeah, I know, you're unused to it. You've never had a conscience talk to you before, have you? Yeah, I suppose not.  
__Well, take it easy. I'm here to help you._

…

_**Yes**__, you need help. _

…

_I know, I KNOW.  
__You need help realizing the truth, is what I mean. _

…

_The truth about Squidward._

…

_You know him? That guy? The one you meet up with occasionally? The one you've hated up 'til now?  
__Squidward Tentacles? _

…

_Yes, you've got it.  
__Well, you know, I actually don't think Squidward is as bad as you make out. _

…  
…  
…

_WAAH! Don't hit me! Don't hit me!!  
__I'm telling you this in all seriousness here, kid. I'm trying to get you to see the light; hitting your head isn't gonna help. If you're not prepared to believe in me, then get yeh shell vermin offa my property. Got it? _

…

_Thank you. I'm glad you saw it my way. _

…

_As I was saying.  
__Squidward. You don't like him that much, I can see.  
__Your head's heating up just from thinking about him. _

…

_But what if I told you that this heating wasn't anger?  
__Maybe, just maybe, you're actually in love with him and you don't even know it. _

…

_You heard me. _

…

_Think about it. That hair. Those eyes. That … _physique.  
_Doesn't the notion of that turn you on?  
__Doesn't just the thought of being able to touch that body get you excited inside? _

…

_It does, doesn't it. _

…

_Yeah, that's right. Get turned on, my little monkey-slave. _

Did I say that out loud? Oops.

_OK.  
__OK, that's enough. _

…

_You're lusting over Squidward now. I can tell.  
__But he doesn't know that, does he?  
He still thinks you hate him. _

…

_In fact, you know what would really cheer him up?  
__What if you ran over to where he is right now and give him the best kiss of your life?  
__Does that sound good to you? _

…

_I thought it might. _

…  
…

_Go on. Go ahead. Kiss him._

_Ya know you want to. _

* * *

_"_Dude, it's been 2 minutes now – she's not gonna come." 

A very confused Squidward climbed out of the control booth. "But I aimed it at Lisi, she, I got a reading? She must have picked it up?"

The crowd of onlookers just ignored him and got back to staring aimlessly at the other exhibitions.

Annoyed at being ignored in his time of need, Squidward turned back to inspect the machine. No, it didn't look broken. There were no "Do Not Touch" signs (it was this warning that had prompted him to use it to allure Lisi Electrix into his arms in the first place). What could have gone wrong?

But alas, the problem wasn't the machine. It was the level of accuracy. And as an abrupt silence and a very horny cephalopod crashed into the room simultaneously, Squidward realized for the first time just how inaccurate he had been.

"SQUILLIAM?! What are you doing here; I told you to…  
Oh no. Squilliam, I didn't mean for you to hear those I was aiming it at at Lisi, yeah, ignore the voices, the voices aren't intended for you, get back, get back you idio-_mmmmmpffthmmpmhmpphm..hm..mmm, nice…"_


End file.
